This article discusses implied violence and may be upsetting to some readers.
Happy Pride everyone!
Last year MADNick and I discussed how to be a good ally of the LGBTQI+ community. That amazing post can be found here: https://madmike.net/pride-2021-supporting-lgbtq-persons-at-pride-year-round/
The year before, we discussed the importance of being visible and shared our fantastic wedding vows. You can check out the post here: https://madmike.net/pride-2020/
This year’s tone will be a little different, covering that all-important asterisk in the title. In previous articles, I have shared PRIDE can be complicated. It is hard to find the right balance of celebration and reflection. Often, we try to only cover the good, but it is sometimes appropriate to cover the difficult aspects of LGBTQI+ life.
In this year’s post, I want to explore the complicated story of the best day of my life: The Day I knew I would marry Nick.
Many people can describe the day they knew they would marry their spouse. Some of the spirit of these PRIDE posts is to humanize that LGBTQI+ couples have far more overlap with opposite-sex couples than many may think. When I re-live the day I knew I would marry Nick in my head, it brings joy to my soul with overwhelmingly good emotions that are so very difficult to express.
So often as a gay person, we hide aspects of our life from the world. Employee Resources Groups and advocates so often talk about how feeling comfortable in being your authentic self at work. The benefits to the person can help their mental well-being and help drive productivity and better work products. I always referred to this as the “How was your weekend?” complication, where many (way beyond just the LGBTQ+ community) feel they have to hide key parts of their lives from people.
So, with this mantra, let me share the best day of my life.
The Best Day of My Life
I had a training trip in New York City for a product I supported. I had to get the training done, and it was an easy train journey from Connecticut. The training fell in the second week of December, with New York in full Christmas mode. I quickly plotted “A Date Night of all Dates Nights” with a “Christmas in New York City” theme. Nick joined me after work Thursday, and we stayed the weekend. He booked dinner, while I booked the Rockettes, a secret that I could not hide from him for more than a week after booking it. I was already madly in love with him at the time, and the dream of doing a “Christmas in New York City” iconic date was very exciting. It was also a time in my career when I was rapidly growing. To be able to afford this (mostly) was something I didn’t think I would ever be able to do. The excitement consumed my mind for the weeks leading up to it.
When the day came, it was a fantastic night. I had chocolates for the hotel room, met him at Grand Central Station, and got all dressed up. We went out bundled up in Christmas colours in New York City style with scarfs and long black coats (and uncomfortable shoes).
The night did not disappoint and went mainly according to plan. Perfect dinner in Bryant Park in one of those temporary Igloo greenhouses. A great meal with perhaps a bit too much red wine. (A wine that I still try to track down when doing a nice date) The dinner, the conversation, the environment, and everything just came together.
At this moment in my life, it hit me: This is the man I will marry if he lets me. True love, passion, and excitement washed over me. Holding back tears of pure joy was difficult. Nick was the person that I waited my life for. The person who completed me and challenged me. Nick was my true love. The lifetime of stress, worry, and sadness that being gay meant never finding a mate was gone. Instead, the feeling of butterflies, being tingly all over, and pure unreal happiness were between us.
After dinner, we waltzed our way down 6th Avenue, arm in arm, dressed in our smart New York attire, beaming with excitement, to the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall. I had secured front row tickets at the highest-level months earlier. We had a fantastic view of the show. I had always dreamed of taking someone to a show like this. After the show, we wandered through the New York City Christmas sites and the high of pulling off an amazing date night. Christmas lights lit up our faces, and dreams of a wedding and how to propose to this amazing man filled my head. It was indeed the best day of my life.
What you have heard so far is the version we like to tell. It is the version that perhaps many outside of the two of us have known before. It’s the version that I have said so many times to family, friends, and close colleagues.
But, the asterisk on the night is that between Bryant Park and The Rockettes, filled with immense happiness and pride, we almost didn’t get to the show.
As we walked down 6th avenue, some bigot saw us and decided that he didn’t like what he saw. He didn’t like two men happy and having the night of their lives. As we were walking he jumped in front of Nick, screaming in his face and then mine. I didn’t even know what to do. I don’t think either of us did. The guy was drunk (had a lot more booze than we had) and was the first time in my life that I genuinely thought we were going to have to fight for our safety. The people he was with, and a police officer that was nearby heard him. They all immediately acted, pulling him back and away from us, while he was swinging. The officer looked at us, asked if we were fine, and suggested that we keep going on our way as the man lunged for us. If they were not there, the night may have ended very differently.
This near assault is one of many that most LGBTQI+ people endure, even in western countries, even in New York City. So many LGTBQI+ persons experience this and have stories far worse than this. Our situation puts an asterisk on our night. Other stories like this end in hospitals and morgues.
My pure joy and happiness of finally feeling like I found the love of my life, the spring in my step, and some bigot almost took it all away. I am angry that this nearly 100% perfect night has this asterisk. The part of the story we shield from others when we tell it.
It’s a complicated moment in life where the very good outweighs the bad. But the anger that some ass hole put this asterisk on the best night of my life really pisses me off even all these years later.
Recently we went away to a Gay Resort, which we have done before. People often don’t fully understand why so many LGBTQI+ people go to resorts like this. But for a week, we didn’t have to worry about any events like this. We could truly let our guard down and be somewhere we felt we 100% belonged.
Sadly, situations like this and worst are just going to increase with states in the US going after LGBTQI+ people. The false narrative of protecting children while attacking those that are anything but heterosexual will fuel more bigotry. When Donald Trump was elected, and Jeff Sessions was going to be Attorney General, many of us, including Nick & I, moved up wedding dates in fear that our ability to get married would be impacted. Our story is a tiny little blip to stories of some of the most horrendous violence on earth for simply being born a bit different.
So what can you do?
This Pride, don’t stop celebrating. But do take some time to reflect on the violence & issues that impact the LGBTQI+ community. Think about what you can do to help influence change and support the people in your life that might be struggling.
Do not let your political leaders attack minority groups, period. Make love and acceptance your political wedge issue. Put political party second, regardless of where you live.
Be a good ally, especially when you think no one is watching. Be inclusive in your language, on conference calls and with children.
Finally, in closing, I will reshare the same advice I gave last year: Ensure that the LGBTQI+ people in your life know that you love them and care for them. Never let them question your support of them living their lives for who they are. It may seem “it goes without saying,” but some things need to be said.
If you or someone you know in the LGBTQI+ community has suffered from abuse or violence and needs support, please visit: https://galop.org.uk/
If you know someone struggling with their sexuality, or you would like to learn how to be a LGBTQI+ ally, please visit https://www.thetrevorproject.org.
